The Wrath of Zoda: A New Dolt
by Anguirus111
Summary: Zoda crashlands into A New Hope and the storyline will never be the same again.
1. When Jedi's collide

Anguirus111 Note: For those of you who don't know, Zoda was a character I created initially as a way to branch of the story of the Phantom Menace into a completely new storyline.  But as I wrote the character, a nephew of Yoda, I realized how he was the perfect vehicle to lampoon(eg make fun of) that particular movie and did just that to good reviews.  I've decided to bring him back to rip A New Hope in two and if successful will have him terrorize the other movies as well.  For this story, everything you know about A New Hope has happened the exact same way it did in the movie, but here is where it begins to turn to lunacy.  Assume the events of The Wrath of Zoda never happened for this story.  BTW, this story will often take abrupt departures from ANH because if it doesn't it might be considered a MST and thus be deletable.

Used speeder lot: "I'm sorry Ben, it's the best he could do," said Luke Skywalker helplessly regarding the money they'd gotten for his speeder.  Ben Kenobi checked his money and realized they wouldn't be able to pay the down payment for their trip to Alderaan.

"Come Luke, I know someone who might be able to help us out," said the old Jedi Knight. "I was hoping we wouldn't have to contact him, but it appears we now have no choice."

"I'm sorry," said Luke helplessly.

"Don't worry, it's the will of the Force that this had to happen.  Come one," said Obi-Wan.  He led Luke and the droids down some back alley streets until they reached a secluded spot in front of an apartment.  Obi-Wan buzzed the door and it opened to reveal noone in their line of sight.

"Looks like it's abandoned," said Luke. "I guess your friend left."

"I didn't leave dumbass I'm right here," said a voice.  "What the hell do you want?"

Luke jumped as he saw a diminutive figure standing just below his field of vision.

"It's not what I want, it's what he wants," said Luke pointing to Obi-Wan who was standing next to the door.

"If it's not Pizza the Hut, buzz off!" said Zoda.

"Hello Zoda," said Obi-Wan.

"Oh hell," said Zoda. "Not you again!  I thought I'd gotten rid of you during the great Jedi purge."

"I see you survived it as well," said Obi-Wan just as cranky.

"Like I always said, it pays to have unusual pets, especially if that pet is a ysalamiri.  Anyway, what do you want?" demanded the Jedi.

"I need some money," said Kenobi.

"No way!  I refuse to give you anymore drinking money to pay off your tab!  I learned that lesson the hard way the last time," said Zoda.

"It's not for drinking money!" shouted Obi-Wan.

"Sithspit!" shouted Zoda. "Besides, if you'd just bought those death sticks back on Coruscant like I told you to you wouldn't be in this ridiculous situation."

"How was I supposed to know the primary planet for producing the stuff would just explode thus raising the cost of deathsticks through the roof?" Obi-Wan protested.

"Excuses, excuses," muttered Zoda. "If it's not for Corellian Brandy then what for?"

"We've booked safe passage to Alderaan for the boy, myself, and two droids," said Obi-Wan.

"What's on Alderaan that's so important?" asked Zoda.

"I can't tell you.  Sufficed to say, we need to borrow some money to pay for the trip," said the Jedi.

"Why didn't you just mind trick him to let you go for free?" asked Zoda.

"Because that only works on the weak minded," said Obi-Wan scolding him.

"Face it Dopey-Wan you've lost touch with the Force," said Zoda laughing.

"With your ysalamiri running around the spaceport it's no wonder!" said Obi-Wan. "I couldn't use the Force thanks to its meddling presence, which is why I'm here having this conversation with you!"

"Oy," said Zoda holding his head. "Fine.  I'll give you the money."

"Good,"

"But I'm coming with you," said Zoda.

"What?  Why?" asked Obi-Wan.  Zoda pulled out a knapsack and exited into the alleyway shutting the door behind him.

"To make sure you're not going to be using my money to pay for liquor," said Zoda walking down the street.  Obi-Wan shook his head, regretting his decision to contact the Jedi, but shook it off.

"_Those plans have to reach Bail Organa regardless of the cost_," thought the Jedi.

Docking Bay 94: "I think we're being followed," said Zoda.

"You're imagining things," said Obi-Wan.

"So who is this pilot we're meeting?" asked Zoda.

"He's a scruffy looking nerf herder," said Luke snorting.

"Shot you down for wanting to fly your own ship huh?" Zoda laughed. "Can't say I blame him."

The group entered into the bay and walked down the steps.

"So he's a scruffy looking nerf herder," said Zoda. "Oh hi Han."

"Hello Zoda, long time no see," said Han.

"So who is our pilot?" asked Zoda still not making the connection.

"He is.  And what a piece of junk!" said Luke pointing towards the freighter.

"That's not a piece of junk that's the Millenium Falcon!" shouted Zoda.

"She'll make .5 past lightspeed.  She may not seem like much," began Han.

"But she's got it where she counts.  You guys board I've got to talk to our pilot," said Zoda.

"Hello sir," said 3PO to Han as Zoda rolled his eyes.

"You know Zoda, I'm afraid you'll have to pay if you're coming with us," said Han.

"Not a chance!  You owe me for the last time I rode with you," said Zoda. "Those imps were still going to arrest you even without that spice you dumped, but I managed to convince them otherwise saving you from the spice mines of Kessel and being smashed into who knows what."

"Damn it," cursed Han knowing Zoda was right.

"Speaking of which, how're things with ol' Jabba?" Zoda asked.

"Not so good.  Greedo came after me in the cantina so I had to kill him," said Han.

"Did you shoot first or did he?" Zoda asked looking over the ship.

"I don't know.  Everyone at the cantina had a different recollection of the events that happened.  I just don't know!" said Han incredulously.

"Well I can hardly blame you," began Zoda when suddenly a voice yelled out.

"Stop that ship!  Blast them!"

Zoda and Han turned to witness several Imperial Stormtroopers rush into the bay.

"Obi-Wan I told you we were being followed!" shouted Zoda as he pulled out two lightsabers and began deflecting blaster bolts.

"Zoda let's roll!" shouted Han firing shots at the troopers.  Zoda turned off his sabers.

"I'll be back!" he shouted to the troopers as he ran up the ramp and the Falcon blasted off.  A few moments later it broke free of Tatooine and roared off into space.

"Goodbye Tatooine you hellhole," said Zoda in the cockpit.

"Looks like two Star Destroyers are on our tale.  Zoda do you know why are passengers are so hot?" asked Han.

"I don't know.  I never saw either of them before today.  Well at least not for awhile at any rate," said Zoda.  Obi-Wan and Luke appeared in the cockpit.

"What's going on?" asked Luke.

"You two are going to get us killed that's what," Zoda grumbled.

"Zoda, pull the coordinates from the navicomputer will ya?" Han asked.  Zoda nodded and began pushing buttons as the Destroyers opened fire.

"Evasive maneuvers Han!  Evasive maneuvers!" shouted Zoda.

"No!  If we do that we won't reach out navpoint," said Han.

"It's your funeral," said Zoda shrugging.

"Yours too if you're not aware," said Han with a smile as Zoda's eyes went wide-open.

"Dammit!" he yelled. "Like old times Han, like old times."

"Why aren't we outrunning them?  I thought you said this thing was fast!" shouted Luke.

"Zoda," Han prompted.  Instantly Luke's head jerked forward as an invisible force smacked him upside the head.

"No backseat drivers," said the Jedi nutcase. "I'm going to one of the gun turrets."

"What would that accomplish?" asked Ben.

"If I'm going to die I'm going to go out like I came in: all guns blazing," said Zoda.  Instantly a light began beeping.

"What's that flashing?" asked Luke.

"It's the microwave, the popcorn's done!" shouted Zoda.  Before Luke could respond bewildered, Han began speaking.

"Strap in, we're taking off!" shouted Han.  Luke and Ben bolted to the back while Han threw the hyperspace lever and Zoda was flung out the back of the cockpit as the ship rocketed off into hyperspace.  Han and Chewbacca looked behind them as Zoda entered into the cockpit.

"Ha, ha, ha," he laughed. "Just kidding."

Han groaned and Chewbacca just shook his head.

"No seriously, how are things with Jabba?" Zoda asked taking a seat.  Han shrugged as Chewbacca headed for the back.

"He insists that if I don't pay him back after this charter, he'll put a price on my head so big I won't be able to go near any civilized star system," said Han pushing some buttons.

"That sounds like Jabba alright," said Zoda nodding. "Listen Han, I can't help but feel partially responsible for what happened to you regarding that spice.  I'm perfectly willing to give you the money to pay off ol' blobbo," said Zoda.

"No thanks.  If this trip pans out I won't have to worry about anything at all regarding Jabba," said Han. "Speaking of which, why are you here and who are our passengers?"

"I'm here because Obi-Wan is a hopeless alcoholic ex-Jedi who spends all his money on booze so he couldn't afford to pay you the original sum.  So he came to me for money and I had to ensure that you got paid and that he wouldn't spend it on liquor.  I don't have the slightest clue who the other one is," said Zoda.

"A Jedi huh?" said Han shaking his head. "If I hadn't met you before this I would've thought they didn't exist."

"You can thank the good ol' Emperor for that.  Course I'm not mad, the Jedi were going to collapse sooner or later," said Zoda.  Han pressed another button, took a look at the navicomputer, nodded, and stood up.

"Let's go check on our passengers," said the smuggler when Zoda didn't stand up as well.

"Well if you insist," said Zoda finally getting up.  They wandered into the back where they found Chewbacca playing chess with 3PO and Luke using his lightsaber against the remote.  Zoda just shook his head as he took a seat.

"Well I guess you're proving the old adage _if at first you don't succeed, try, try again_," laughed Zoda as Obi-Wan glared at him.  Then suddenly Zoda's eyes rolled back into his head and he fell off of the chair holding his ears.

"Medic!" he shouted.

"Zoda quit joking around," said Han.  But Obi-Wan quickly shook his head.

"No, he's right," said the Jedi Knight sitting down.

"What's wrong?" asked Luke.

"None you damn," began Zoda.

"I felt a great disturbance in the Force as if millions of voices cried out and then were suddenly silenced," said Obi-Wan.

"450,713,238 voices if I recall correctly," said Zoda as he struggled to stand up again. (Don't ask if that's how many people were on Alderaan when it blew, I have no idea)

"Oh is that all," said Han shrugging off their comments as utter nonsense.  Across from them Chewbacca howled.

"He made a fair move, screaming about it can't help you," said 3PO.

"Be careful, it's not wise to upset a wookie," said Han.

"I know that from personal experience.  Yikes," said Zoda.

"What did you do?" asked Luke beginning to laugh.

"I've been forbidden to speak of it," said Zoda.

"During Life Day on Kashyyyk during the Clone Wars, Zoda's fighter was shot from the sky and sliced right through the life tree causing it to topple over.  Since then every Wookie has vowed revenge on him," said Han.

"So why hasn't Chewie killed him yet?" asked 3PO.

"Because Zoda recently made amends by using the Force to heal the tree," said Han. "And then promptly ran from the Empire's extermination squads."

"All said though, good times, good times," said Zoda pouring himself something to drink.

"But sir, why isn't it wise to upset a Wookie?" asked 3PO. "No one worries about upsetting a droid."

"That's because droids don't pull people's arms out of their sockets.  Wookies are known to do that," said Han.

"I see sir.  I suggest a new strategy R2, let the wookie win," said 3PO.

"No!  Pull his arms off anyway!" shouted Zoda.

"I protest sir," said 3PO revving up for a ranting session.  But before he could continue pouting, Zoda pointed his finger at 3PO like a gun and jerked his hand upward like a gun firing.  Instantly 3PO shut down and Zoda blew on his finger.

"Beautiful," said the Jedi.

"Wow," said Luke impressed. "How do you do that?"

"Just imagine what you want done and do just that," said the long eared Jedi.

"Luke I don't think it's best to get into that right now.  You have to start out slowly," said Obi-Wan.

"Don't baby the kid.  You made that mistake once with Anakin don't try it on him too," said Zoda.  Obi-Wan made a move to tell him to cut it, but Luke quickly jumped on that tidbit of information about his father.

"Is that why Darth Vader killed him?  Because he didn't know enough about the Force?" Luke asked.  Zoda looked at him wide-eyed.

"You mean you don't know," began Zoda before Obi-Wan clamped his hand around Zoda's mouth and dragged him away.

"If you ever mention who is father is, I _will_ kill you," said Obi-Wan.

"Okay, okay.  Fine," said Zoda pushing him away. "I still think you'd be better off telling him the truth to him before it scars him for life."

"We'll see," said Obi-Wan returning to the bay.  Luke had closed his eyes and was deflecting bolts all over the place from the remote.

"Impressive Luke.  How did you accomplish this?" asked Obi-Wan.

"I just did what Zoda suggested.  I imagined it and it happened," said Luke.

"I call it luck," said Han.

"In my experience there's no such thing as luck," said Obi-Wan.

"In mine there is," said Zoda shrugging.  Han just shrugged his shoulders as a device began beeping.

"Alderaan here we come," said Han heading for the cockpit along with the others.  As he entered into the cockpit, Han threw the hyperspace lever and the Falcon came out of hyperspace amidst a meteor shower.

"Oh way to go Han!  Nice flying!" shouted Zoda.

"You shut up!  You set the coordinates!" shouted Han as the ship began rocking.

"Any good pilot would've double checked the coordinates!" shouted Zoda.

"I did!" Han protested.

"Oh," said Zoda as the Falcon exited the shower. "Well then what the hell happened?"

"It's been destroyed by the Empire," said Obi-Wan.

"Dammit Obi-Wan I told you no more alcohol!" shouted Zoda. "Han you need to lock up the liquor cabinet better."

"I'm not drunk it's the truth," Obi-Wan protested.

"Then what the hell did it?" demanded Han. "How am I supposed to get my fifteen thousand?  Wait there's another ship coming in."

"Maybe they know what happened?" Luke suggested.

"It's an Imperial Fighter," said Obi-Wan and Zoda at the same time as laser blasts flew around them and the Tie took off.

"Road hog!" shouted Zoda at the fleeing ship.

"It must've gotten lost, been part of a convoy or something," said Luke.

"Well not for long," said Han pursuing the ship.

"Why bother?  It's not like the Imps don't know who we are anyway," said Zoda.  Chewbacca barked an affirmation to that statement.

"Either way it's not going far it's heading for that small moon," said Han.  Zoda thought about that statement for a moment before coming to a conclusion.

"What!  Stop!" he yelled smacking a button on the pilot's chair.  The Falcon came to an immediate halt.

"Now what?  He's getting away!" shouted Han.

"Think about it for a moment!  That is a stationary moon in the middle of nowhere.  Where the hell did it come from?  Alderaan didn't have any moons and if it was destroyed then the debris should've blasted a large chunk of it away.  That moon is too perfect, it has no impact craters," said Zoda.

"So what is it?" asked Han.

"My guess?  A holographic generator concealing a fleet of Star Destroyers that wiped out that planet," said Zoda.

"Why didn't they take off when it was over?  And why the disguise?" asked Han.

"I don't know!  Maybe they're waiting for someone and the moon guise is just that," said Zoda.

"That's no moon it's a space station!" said Obi-Wan with sudden realization.

"You are drunk!" said Zoda shaking his head.

"It is!  And no I'm not!" shouted Obi-Wan.

"I'm willing to forgive the whole 'empire destroying Alderaan' bit, but not that that thing is a space station," said Zoda shrugging him off.

"Remember those plans back on Geonosis about that moon sized battle station?" Obi-Wan asked.  Zoda's eyes went wide open.

"Oh no," said Zoda not wanting to believe it.

"That's it," said Obi-Wan pointing to thing.

"Either way I think we should get the hell out of here," said Luke.

"I think I agree with you," said Han throwing a couple of switches.  The Falcon did an about face and promptly tore off in the opposite direction.

Death Star: "Sir we've just received a report from one of our scout ships.  It apparently encountered a freighter that blasted itself out of Mos Eisley," said a tactical officer.

"Are you sure?" asked Moff Tarkin.

"Yes sir," said the officer.

"They must have been trying to return the plans to the Princess.  She may still be of some use to us," said Darth Vader.

"Where is this freighter now?" asked Tarkin.

"It stopped right outside of tractor beam range, hovered for a moment, and promptly tore off in the opposite direction.  It entered hyperspace a moment ago," said the officer.

"Hold off on executing the Princess.  Maybe we can use her as either bait or a bargaining chip for those plans," said Tarkin. "Set course for Kuat."

The officer nodded and went to make the arrangements.

"Everything is going as planned," said Tarkin musing to himself.

Hyperspace: "So now what?" asked Han sitting in the main area.

"I have no idea.  I certainly didn't see this coming," said Obi-Wan.

"Nor did I," Zoda admitted. "Yikes!"

Chewbacca barked something.

"Yeah.  Sorry to cut you guys loose and run, but we've gotten more trouble on this trip then we bargained for," said Han.

"Uh, uh.  No way buddy!  You can't leave until we pay you and that's clearly not going to be happening any time soon.  You're with us until Obi-Wan and Luke are satisfied and then you can go," said Zoda.

"I don't believe this," said Han.

"Look I have the money to pay you off.  And you can't clearly cut and run because you won't be able to pay back Jabba," said Zoda.

"I almost want to take my chances with Jabba then the trouble I see myself getting into with you," said Han. "Fine!  I'll go along with this plan, but I don't like it!"

"You don't have to like it!  Now let's move out," said Zoda.

"We're we going?" asked Han.

"Dantooine," said Zoda simply.  And with that the Falcon was gone.


	2. Back where they started

Kuat: The Death Star hung in orbit of the planet next to the massive spaceyards, which were currently engaged in constructing the _Lusankya_, the Super Star Destroyer sister of the _Executor_ currently being built at Fondor.

"Impressive, very impressive," said the Emperor looking at the massive station. "Finally a new weapon to cement my power in the universe."

The Emperor, Tarkin, Vader, and the senior staff of the Death Star were in a room at Kuat Drive Yards overlooking the Yards and the station.

"Yes Emperor," said Tarkin nodding before thinking. "_But she's mine!_"

"What do you think Vader?" the Emperor asked.

"The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force," said Vader.

"Yes my apprentice," the Emperor agreed. "But you can't threaten people with an invisible object. This will let people know what fear looks like!"

"Unfortunately it's a station with a major flaw," said Tagge.

"That being?" asked the Emperor bemused.

"The plans for it are loose. It's got an Achilles Heel somewhere and it's only a matter of time before whoever has it discovers that," responded the officer.

"What do you believe Tarkin?" asked the Emperor with a smile.

"This weapon has no weaknesses, it _will_ crush the Rebels!" said Tarkin with authority.

"No doubt it will. But you are also correct Tagge, with those plans loose it will complicate matters. What of the Princess, has she revealed anything?" asked Palpatine. Tarkin shook his head.

"The only information we received was that the rebels base was on Dantooine, but the scouts have reported that the only base there was abandoned," said Tarkin with a bad taste in his mouth.

"So send the Princess there and see if she can remember any old memories," said Palpatine.

"Emperor, is that wise? I mean the Death Star would be better allocated elsewhere," said Tarkin.

"Don't worry Tarkin, I wouldn't want to squander the potential of your battle station," said the Emperor mockingly. "We'll put her aboard the Avenger and send it there. Lord Vader will accompany her and if she refuses to cooperate we threaten to exile her there forever."

"Yes Emperor," said Tarkin breathing a collective sigh of relief.

"Now then, I must be returning to Coruscant. Vader, accompany me," said the Emperor leaving with Darth Vader.

"_I will not have you disgracing my station for common pitiful chores. It is the ultimate power and when I finally decide that I am better off ruling this universe you will fall by it_." thought Tarkin. Out in the hallway, Palpatine was walking with Vader.

"I sense Tarkin is very discontent with his current position in life," said Palpatine.

"I have also sensed it my master," said Vader.

"We'd better keep a closer eye on him," said Palpatine.

"Yes my master. But how?" Vader asked.

"Tagge will report to me if anything occurs out of the ordinary and I'll contact Thrawn to get his read on the Grand Moff," said Palpatine.

"Yes master," said Vader. "But why bother sending the Princess to Dantooine, she won't be any more vocal there than before," said Vader.

"Convince her that the Navy bombarded the planet to pieces and then tell her there's nothing left to loose by revealing any other base," said Palpatine.

"Is that all?" asked Vader unconvinced.

"I also sense a catalyst in the Force occurring over Dantooine. Something is going to happen there and I want you to find out what it is," said Palpatine as they reached his shuttle.

"It will be done my master," said Vader affirmatively.

"See that it does. The son of Anakin Skywalker must not become a Jedi," said Palpatine with a smile as he left the shell shocked Vader. Finally Vader walked off to his Tie Advanced x1 and the Avenger.

Dantooine: The Falcon came roaring out of hyperspace above the planet.

"What brings us here?" asked Han as the ship roared into the atmosphere of the planet.

"According to my sources, there should be a rebel base here," said Zoda.

"The Rebels? How would you know that?" asked Luke.

"Because I own a construction company that built the damn base here!" said Zoda.

"Zoda I didn't know you were so noble," said Obi-Wan teasing him.

"Don't be stupid!" said Zoda shaking his head. "They paid through the roof for my anonymity."

"Way to go Zoda!" said Han as they clapped hands.

"Here are the coordinates for the base. Set down and we'll give them the droid and bug out," said Zoda. "Obi-Wan, Luke, do what you like because I don't care."

The ship roared through the atmosphere and in moments was over the abandoned base.

"What happened?" asked Luke confused.

"All I know is that if Obi-Wan says it was destroyed by the Empire, I _will_ kill him," said Zoda. Obi-Wan chuckled at that. He was about to suggest it when he felt a lightsaber blade pressed next to his throat.

"Don't tempt me old man,"

"We'll let's set down for now," said Han trying to diffuse the situation. The ship roared into the bay and landed among the various bits of technology lying around. The group exited the ship and walked into the bay.

"I guess they abandoned it then," said Han.

"Yeah, looks that way," agreed Luke.

"C'mon let's find the command center," said Zoda. The team moved out as in orbit the Avenger roared out of hyperspace into orbit.

"Why have we come here?" demanded the Princess angrily from the bridge of the Star Destroyer.

"To thank you for your information regarding the base on Dantooine," responded Vader. "As you can see we managed to blast the base to pieces right before they left."

"Right; I'll bet you did," said Leia unconvinced. She'd given up trying any charades after Alderaan had been destroyed.

"Perhaps you are unconvinced. We'll need to set down for you to truly be convinced," said Vader. He headed for the doors and the Imperial guards escorted Leia to the hanger bay as well. Down on the surface, the team had finally reached the command center.

"Lousy tenants," said Zoda noting the disarray left behind. "They're on the verge of loosing their security deposit."

"And that _would_ be a shame wouldn't it?" Han laughed.

"It's for the best. I kind of took the money and invested in a new fishing boat," said Zoda.

"Where were you planning on going fishing? Tatooine is kind of lacking in the water area," said Luke.

"I didn't say I was fishing for fish," said Zoda.

"What then?" Luke asked.

"Oh the usual, Krayt Dragons and Sand Worms," said Zoda as he began pushing buttons on the console.

"Are you serious?" asked Luke.

"The rule with Zoda is that the crazier the story the more likely that it's true," said Han sitting down and twirling his blaster around.

"He's right," conceded Obi-Wan.

"Of course I am! Who do you think hooked The Legend and dragged him into Mos Entei for the reward money?" said Zoda.

"That was you? I wanted to see that but my uncle put it off as utter nonsense," said Luke. "_The Legend cannot be caught_. I believe he said."

"Yeah well I found it. The only downside was he destroyed my boat," said Zoda peeved. "That was a good boat. So then I wound up blasting 1/3 of his body mass off until he died."

"Unbelievable," said Luke shaking his head. "But isn't that the dark side then?"

"Maybe," said Zoda shrugging. "Whatever. My boat deserved justice that's all I have to say."

He began pushing more buttons and suddenly an alarm began blaring.

"Shut if off!" shouted Han covering his ears. A moment later the alarm stopped.

"What was that for?" asked Luke.

"The computer sensed my sexy presence and went crazy," said Zoda with a smirk.

"That's just gross," said Han shaking his head.

"I heartily agree with you," said Obi-Wan. "Be serious Zoda."

"Fine!" Zoda shouted. "I don't know why it went off. But it's not important, only finding out where the Rebels went is."

"And how do you plan on doing that? I seriously doubt they left a goodbye note specifying where they went," said Han. Chewbacca rumbled in agreement.

"Of course they didn't. They didn't leave a letter but we sure as hell can find it," said Zoda. The others looked at him bewildered.

"Again, how?" asked Obi-Wan.

"Via my own secret surveillance system that I put into everything built by ZOD Industries," said Zoda.

"Way to go Z!" shouted Han.

"Zod?" asked Luke confused.

"Zoda on Demand," said the short figure with a smile.

"You vain idiot," said Obi-Wan shaking his head.

"Hey!" said Zoda spinning around. "Don't forget who is paying Han for this trip. I could leave both of you behind right now!"

"My apologies," said Obi-Wan rolling his eyes. Zoda spun back around and accessed the surveillance system.

"Computer initiate search. Voice print search for 'New Rebel Base'," said Zoda.

"Compiling," said the computer. Instantly music came on as the group covered their ears.

"Oh way to go Zoda! You just had to have holding music," said Han covering his ears.

"Sorry," said Zoda also covering his ears. A moment later the music stopped.

"Three different matches," said the computer.

"Let's hear 'em," said Zoda. Instantly the speakers came to life.

"We're heading for the new rebel base on Yavin IV," said clip one.

"So I hear we're heading for Yavin IV," said the second clip.

"Hey baby, prepare for my invasion into your new rebel base," said a male voice to the giggles of a female one on the third clip.

"Okay enough of that," said Zoda smacking the 'suspend audio button'. He shuddered at that last remark

"Wait I want to hear that one," said Han lightly.

"Yeah me too," agree Luke with a grin.

"Oy," said Yoda and Obi-Wan with Chewbacca nodding in agreement. "Well now we know where they went so let's go."

"Yeah sure," said Han heading for the exit.

"Wait! What's that triangle on the sensors?" asked Luke. On the scanner it showed a triangle hovering ominously above the base.

"Beats me, must be a glitch," said Zoda.

"That's no triangle, it's a star destroyer," said Obi-Wan ominously. Zoda groaned and clunked his head on the table as Han and Chewbacca groaned.

"Dammit Obi-Wan! I told you to quit it with that sithspit!" shouted Zoda.

"For the last time that's what it is!" shouted the Jedi.

"He's right," said Han enhancing the image. "So now what? It looks like a shuttle is inbound."

"I have an idea. It's stupid, but would certainly make our lives more interesting," said Zoda.

"Not a chance! Not without seeing some cash," said Han holding up his hands in protest. Zoda grumbled something and held up a chit.

"100,000 credits. Yours if you let me do what I want for the next week. If that week expires and I'm not done I'll give you another thousand," said Zoda. Han groaned but ultimately took the money.

"Good let's move," said the short Jedi heading towards the Falcon.

Fifteen minutes later: The Sentinel Class Landing Shuttle landed in the hanger next to the Falcon.

"Weird. Talk about your coincidences," said TK-421.

"True dat, true dat," said TK-427. The two troopers had just exited the craft and were looking at the vessel.

"_So this is what the Emperor meant by a convergence in the Force,_" thought Darth Vader.

"I declare salvage," said TK-427.

"No fair! I wanted to do that!" said TK-421.

"Too bad," said TK-427 starting to let loose with a belly laugh.

"Unfortunately this ship is now being placed under Imperial custody," said Darth Vader.

"Damn," said TK-421 and TK-427. Darth Vader cocked his head to the side.

"I sense something. A presence I've not felt since," he started before walking off. The two stormtroopers watched him walk off.

"Where is he going?" asked TK-427.

"Yeah. This ship is back that way," said TK-421 pointing in the opposite direction. "Hey Lord Vader, the ship is back that way!"

Darth Vader spun around and his eyes began to glare red.

"Dude, run," said TK-427. TK-421 took off in the opposite direction as his neck was quickly snapped. TK-427 took out a little book and made a tally mark.

"Yes! Now I'm one clone up on him," said TK-427 happily as his neck was quickly snapped as well. An instant later TK-421 and TK-427 walked down the ramp and looked at their dead clone bodies.

"Whoops, heh, heh, heh," the two clones laughed.

"Hey nice ship! I declare salvage on it," said TK-427.

"No fair I wanted to," began TK-421.

"Quiet both of you!" shouted Vader. "Our trip here is cancelled! Get onboard that ship and take it to the Death Star. I will meet you there momentarily," said Darth Vader. The two stormtroopers shrugged and boarded the vessel. The ship took off and roared into hyperspace upon clearing the planet.

"Nice ship," said TK-421 walking around it with TK-427.

"That it is, that it is," said TK-427 nodding. They walked around a corner and found themselves in front of Zoda.

"Zoda!" they both shouted. They then spun around and witnessed the rest of the party standing behind them.

"Oh no," they both said holding their heads. "Is this where we die? I don't think I can handle dying twice in one day."

"Unfortunately no. If you die then your cloning tubes will pump you out again and then they'll know something's wrong. We'll just stun you for now," said Obi-Wan.

"Damn! No what're we gonna tell the guys during lunch?" asked TK-421.

"The same thing we always do. Lies," responded TK-427 before both were stunned. But before they could get comfortable, an alarm began blaring.

"We've got to exit hyperspace!" shouted Han running up to the cockpit. He jumped into his seat and pulled the lever and the Falcon roared out of hyperspace…right in front of the Death Star.

"Oh no," said Han as a tractor beam latched onto the ship and began hauling it inside.

"Whoops," said Zoda. "Maybe that wasn't such a good idea after all. I should've known TK-421 and TK-427 would pull something like this."

"You knew this was going to happen!" Han accused.

"Yeah it's called Murphy's Law," said the small Jedi.

"What?" Obi-Wan asked.

"Forget it," said Zoda shaking his head as the ship was pulled inside the space station. "Simply put this can only end badly."

"Yeah, but they're not going to get me without a fight," said Han pulling out his blaster.

"You can't win, but there are alternatives to fighting," said Obi-Wan.

"Lies! That's pure and utter sithspit!" said Zoda. "There are no alternatives to fighting!"

A few moments later: "It's completely and utterly empty, even including those two boneheads you put in charge of the ship," said Chief Bast.

"What about any droids?" Vader asked.

"According to the logs, once they realized what the droids were carrying and witnessed the Death Star itself, they slagged them and promptly took off in another ship," said Bast.

"So I guess our problems are over," said Motti confidently. "All that's left is the rebels and we're in business."

"Don't be too overconfident. We do not know whether or not the logs tell of the truth. Did the stormtroopers onboard report anything unusual?" asked Lord Vader.

"Considering _they_ are unusual, no," responded Bast.

"Send a scanning crew aboard. Something is not right with that ship and I want to know what it is," said Vader leaving. "Find something!"

"Yes sir," Bast said watching him leave.

"Don't sweat it. Soon his reign will be coming to an end," said Motti.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," said Motti walking off. Bast sighed and signaled for a scanning crew to show up before he too walked off. The crew arrived with their scanners and hauled it aboard. A shrum was heard and then silence.

Five minutes later: "TK-421 why aren't you at your post? TK-421 copy," said the chief. He went over to the balcony overlooking the bay and saw TK-421 wandering around aimlessly. The chief sighed and just shook his head.

"I'm going to knock some sense into that idiot. Be right back," said the chief. He opened the door and found himself facing a wookie and a small diminutive creature.

"C'mon buddy," said the small one. "Let's dance!"

Two lightsabers extended from the creature before the Wookie threw the chief across the room and a stormtrooper ran in blasting everything in sight. A moment later Obi-Wan and Luke entered into the room and the door closed.

"What're you trying to do, get a parade in our honor? It's a wonder the whole station doesn't know we're here with Chewie's howling, you blasting everything in sight, and Zoda threatening everyone we meet," said Luke annoyed.

"Welcome to life kid," said Han with Zoda nodding in agreement.

"Yeah bring 'em on. We deserve a straight fight," said Zoda.

Obi-Wan held up his hands. "We don't have time for this! Where are the tractor beam generators?"

"R2 will try and pull them up on the monitor," said 3PO. A moment later they appeared. Obi-Wan memorized their location and prepared to head out.

"Don't worry I'll take care of this," said Zoda cutting him off and heading for the door. An instant later he was flung backwards by an invisible force.

"No! I will deal with this," said Obi-Wan.

"What? Why?" Zoda protested.

"Because _if_ you head for the generators, you will attack any and everyone who gets in your way. They Imperials will know where you're headed almost immediately. Secondly, if you do reach your destination, rather than shutting it down you're liable to chop the generator in half thus potentially causing a situation where the whole station blows up!" said Obi-Wan.

"Yeah," Zoda agreed. "But what a ride it would be."

"Then let me go with you," said Luke. Obi-Wan shook his head.

"I wish I could let you Luke. But your destiny lies on a different path than mine," said Obi-Wan. "Listen, the Force will be with you always. Unlike that joker over there."

"Hey!"

And with that Obi-Wan was gone.

Chewbacca said something.

"Yeah I agree. How did you meet up that nut?" asked Han.

"He's a great man," said Luke defending him.

"Yeah great at," began Han.

"Listen Han drop it. Obi-Wan may seem eccentric, but ultimately he's the best hope we have for getting out of this situation alive," said Zoda cutting him off.

"Alright, alright. Cool," said Han. "I just don't like sitting around waiting for the enemy to finally close in on us."

R2 beeped something.

"What up?" asked Zoda.

"I don't know. He keeps repeating that he's found her," said 3PO.

"What?" Luke asked confused.

"Either he's caught in a repeating loop or he's fallen in love with the Death Star computer core," said Zoda.

"No! He's found Princess Leia," said 3PO.

"Who?" asked Zoda and Han.

"The Princess she's here?" asked Luke excited.

"Great now he's gone nuts," said Zoda holding up his hands helplessly.

"What's going on?" Han demanded.

"She's the one in the message! We've got to help her!" said Luke.

"What message? How do you know her name?" asked Zoda. Luke's mind went blank to the second question.

"The message telling Ben to bring the droids to Alderaan," said Luke answering the first question.

"If she's the one who started us on this course of disaster I say we _don't_ rescue her," said Zoda. Han nodded in agreement.

"Yeah. The old guy said to wait right here," said Han.

"But he didn't know she was here," said Luke.

"Maybe he did. 'Your destiny lies on a different path than mine' Kenobi said. Go rescue her kid we'll be right here waiting for you to return," said Zoda.

"I can't do this alone," Luke protested.

"You're a Jedi in training, this is just the kind of mission to get you noticed before the council," said Zoda. "Oh wait they're all dead too bad. Ha, ha, ha."

Luke looked at him bewildered. "Listen she's rich."

"Rich?" asked Zoda and Han.

"Yes. Rich, powerful, if you were to rescue her the reward would be,"

"What?" asked Han and Zoda as the latter started foaming at the mouth.

"Well more wealth then you can imagine," Luke responded.

"I don't know, we can imagine quite a lot," said Han.

"Money, money, money," said Zoda rubbing his hands together. "Let's go!"

"Do you even know where she is?" Han asked. Zoda immediately stopped in his tracks.

"Curses," he said.

"She's on Level 5 detention block AA-23," said 3PO.

"Good let's,"

"Wait Zoda! We still need a plan," said Luke.

"Plans are for losers. Better to think on your feet I always say," said Zoda.

"I've noticed you get the sithspit beat out of you a lot," said Han. "Coincidence?"

Zoda grumbled something but stopped moving. As he turned around he knocked a pair of binders off the desk next to him.

"That's it!" said Luke. He took the binders and moved towards Chewbacca.

"Kid I wouldn't do that if I were you," said Zoda anticipating what Luke was going to do.

"Now I'm going to put these on you," said Luke. Chewbacca snarled at him as Zoda began laughing.

"Tear him apart!" the Jedi goaded.

"Okay, Han you, you put them on," said Luke handing them to Han. Han sighed and went to put them on Chewbacca.

"Alright let's go," said Zoda.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" asked Luke holding another pair of cuffs.

"You're joking right?" asked Zoda.

"You're an alien among an alien hating Empire. Believe me when I say that you are not among friends and that if you are seen walking free, you will be thrown in jail," said Luke.

"As opposed to now?" asked Zoda pointing to the binders.

"If you wind up jail we won't bust you out and you won't get the reward money," said Luke.

"Dammit!"

A few moments later they were on their way.


	3. Captive Unleashed!

The team moved down the hallways with Zoda and Chewbacca in binders. Zoda kept grumbling various things as Han, wearing a stormtrooper outfit, happily poked the Jedi with his blaster.

"Quiet insolent fiend," said Han. Zoda's veins began bulging and he began growling. Finally they entered into an elevator and went up to the prison cell.

"I can't see a thing in these helmets," said Luke.

"You can thank me for that," said Zoda smiling. He flicked his hand and the binders came flying off and Han's and Luke's vision cleared.

"This is a bad idea," said Han shaking his head.

"Relax as long as I'm here we're in business," said Zoda. Then the doors opened and the troopers and the prisoners exited.

"Where are you taking these 'things'?" asked the officer there.

"Hey!" shouted Zoda before Han smacked him in the stomach with his blaster rifle.

"Prisoner transfer from…," began Luke before one of the officers there looked at them wide-eyed.

"That's TK-421 and TK-427!" shouted the officer. The others screamed and ran for the turbolift. An instant later they had all disappeared.

"Our reputation preceeds us," said Han. He pulled out his blaster and fried every camera in the room.

"Let's find out which one of these cells your princess is in," said Han moving to the controls.

"21-8-2," said Zoda.

"How do you know that?" asked Luke.

"Because she's the only person I can detect in the Force that's here," said Zoda. "Move dummy!"

Luke took off.

"You didn't lie to him did you?" asked Han taking off his helmet.

"No," said Zoda.

"Good for you. It looks like you're turning over a new leaf," Han teased.

"To the contrary, the faster we rescue her the sooner we can leave and get our money," said Zoda.

"True," Han conceded. Instantly an alarm began blaring.

"Uh-oh," said Han.

"Answer it!"

"H-hello," said Han.

"What's going on up there? TK-421 what've you done this time?" demanded the person on the other end.

"Weapons malfunction," said Han.

"Not again!" shouted the voice on the other end. "Where's TK-427?"

"What up?" asked Zoda.

"Where did you find that Wookie?" demanded the voice on the other end.

"I forget,"

"Not again!" shouted the other voice. "What is going on up there?"

"Party!" shouted Zoda.

"Oy," said the other voice.

"We're fine. How are you?" asked Han.

"How are you? Who are you? TK-421 and TK-427 don't care about how other people are! We're sending a squad up!" said the other voice before Han blasted it.

"How are you?" asked Zoda sitting on the console. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"You were just spouting random crap!" shouted Han.

"Like hell is was!" responded the Jedi. "There was a method to my madness! There always is even if it isn't readily apparent!"

Han gave him a confused look when Luke and Princess Leia appeared in the room.

"Hello," she said. Then to Zoda. "Who are you?"

"I'm Ben Kenobi," said Zoda acting annoyed that Leia didn't know that.

"You're not Ben Kenobi!" Leia laughed.

"Why the hell not?" Zoda demanded. Leia looked at him nervously.

"Because Ben Kenobi is a tall bearded old man," said Leia somewhat confidently.

"Have you ever seen Ben Kenobi?" asked Zoda.

"Well, no, but," Leia began.

"Well there you go," said Zoda. "The reason I appear the way I do is because before destroying all of my accomplishment that did me the ultimate insult and made me be human. I'll never forgive them for that. Speaking of which, who are you?"

"Ah ha!" shouted Leia. "Now I know you aren't Ben Kenobi because if you were you would've heard the message that I'm Bail Organa's daughter Leia," said the Princess.

"Yeah I guess you're right," began Zoda when he had an epiphany. "Wait did you say your name was Leia Organa?"

"Yes,"

Zoda looked at her then to Luke, back to Leia, and back again several times. "Oh my God!"

"What?" Leia demanded confused.

"Nothing, nothing at all," said Zoda quickly before shaking his fists at the heavens. "Damn you Obi-Wan!"

Elsewhere on the station Obi-Wan chuckled at Zoda's outburst..

"Time to go," said Zoda. They boarded the turbolift and it took off as stormtroopers rushed the room in the other turbolift.

"Oh no they're still at large!" said a stormtrooper beginning to panic.

"We'll find them!" shouted the officer accompanying them. "We have to!"

Lower level: The turbolift opened revealing the group with their normal clothes on.

"Phew what's that smell!" shouted Han waving away the stench.

"The garbage mashers. It's the only real way to escape surveillance. Only an idiot would come done here," said Zoda.

"Good thing we have you then," laughed Han before a pair of lightsabers extended outward and he stopped laughing, the lightsabers retracted.

"Who are you?" asked Leia utterly confused.

"I am _the dark one_," said Zoda.

"Who?"

"He's Zoda," said Han finally as they continued walking down the hallway. Leia's eyes went wide.

"You're Zoda!" she said in terror. "I thought you were only a myth to frighten kids to go to bed and not act up."

"I'm no myth," said Zoda darkly. "_I'm a nightmare!_"

Leia began trembling and walking in silence.

"Are any of what they say about you true?" asked Leia finally.

"Like what?" asked Zoda.

"Yeah I want to know," said Luke.

"They say that you were the only Jedi that the Emperor refused to have killed or had hunted down. Nevertheless he did post a bounty on you saying 'hunt at your own risk'. Three months later sixty bounty hunters were slain and you had broken into Coruscant and stared down the Emperor who recalled the bounty," said Leia. "They say you're a natural disaster on two legs with more raw power then a supernova. Your only limitation is your refusal to think and plan things out before you do something, often walking yourself into a trap, which often causes you to get beaten up a lot."

Chewbacca grumbled something.

"Yeah Z, why don't you?" Han asked. Zoda shrugged.

"Nothing can go 100% according to plan, our current situation being a prime example of that, so why bother?" asked Zoda. The other shrugged and turned a corner and ran smack into a legion of stormtroopers. Han fired at one and the other troopers bolted.

"Get back to the ship!" he yelled taking off after them with Chewie. Zoda watched them go shaking his head.

"Emperor's finest my ass," he said. He then walked with Luke and Leia before they too were confronted by a legion of stormtroopers. Instantly two lightsabers extend from underneath his sleeves.

"C'mon! Let's dance!" shouted Zoda. He leapt into the air and a rush of laserfire came at him. Instantly he was jumping all over the place deflecting laserbolts and chopping down stormtroopers. An instant later the fifteen troopers were all dead.

"There that wasn't so hard was it?" asked Zoda turning to a shell-shocked Luke and Leia.

"What?" he asked.

"Run!" shouted Luke. Zoda spun around to see a huge wave of white and black coming straight at them, over 100 stormtroopers worth. Zoda and the others promptly turned and ran. They reached a massive chasm and Luke shot the door before blasting the controls.

"Quick! Find the controls to operate the bridge!" shouted Leia.

"I think I just blasted them," said Luke meekly. Zoda threw up his hands in frustration.

"Nice one kid! Some future of the future of the Jedi you are!" said the Jedi.

"And what're you planning on doing? You're stuck too," said Leia.

"No I'm not," said Zoda. He leapt into the air and went flying to the other side of the chasm before taunting. "What now?"

Luke had finally noticed the overhang that he could hook a utility belt to when laser bolts erupted from above. He exchanged blasts with them for a few moments while Zoda sat down and leaned against the side sighing. Stormtroopers soon appeared above Luke and Leia and began shooting at Zoda who pointed out his index fingers and began jerking his hands back and forth like his hands were guns and he was shooting invisible blasts. Invisible or not, the troopers began falling one by one. Finally they simply stopped attacking Zoda while Luke quickly threw his utility rope around an overhanging and was preparing to swing across the chasm with Leia when she gave him a peck on the cheek.

"For luck," she explained as Zoda's jaw dropped. They swung across and landed next to Zoda who was staring at them wide-eyed and in total and utter shock.

"What?" Luke and Leia asked confused. Zoda began muttering incomprehensibly. Finally he took his head and slammed into a wall.

"Out image! Out!" shouted Zoda. Finally he stopped banging his head against the wall with stars in his eyes. "Image gone. Let's roll!"

Luke and Leia shrugged and they made the rest of the way to the Falcon without incident until:

"Hey that's one of the guys who stole our uniforms!" shouted TK-421.

"Yeah and beat the shit out of us too!" shouted TK-427. The two were standing in the underwear and undershirts but somehow still had their blasters. Zoda snapped out his hand and Luke's blaster flew into it. He then took a data chip from his robe and tossed it to the guys.

"What's this for?" asked TK-421 picking it up.

"Severance pay," said Zoda firing. The blast missed the two troopers but they bolted anyway.

"Zoda you're a bad shot with that thing," said Luke taking back his blaster.

"I wasn't planning on killing them," said Zoda.

"So you are compassionate," said Leia. Zoda shook his head.

"Don't you know anything yet? They're my poker buddies and I often rob them of all they have," said Zoda with a grin as they kept walking. Finally they reached a hallway facing the Falcon.

"There it is," said Luke. Zoda sighed.

"California here we come, right back where we started from," the Jedi said absent-mindedly.

"What?" asked Leia convinced the Jedi was mad.

"I'll be back," said Zoda striding into the bay.

"Zoda what're you," began Luke before laser blasts erupted in the bay. A moment later they stopped and Zoda walked back to them, lightsabers steaming.

"Time to go," he said heading for the Falcon where R2 and 3PO were already boarding it.

"What about," began Luke.

"Right here kid," said Han as he and Chewbacca raced past them for the ship. "Nice work Z."

Luke and Leia ran to the ship when Luke spotted Ben dueling with Darth Vader.

"Ben?" Luke asked. Ben looked at the group before holding up his lightsaber and saluting right before Vader chopped him in half, Ben disappearing before the blade struck.

"No!" shouted Luke.

"Quitter," said Zoda simply. Then as Luke began blasting stormtroopers. "Now I'm left with these losers. Not only that, but how did Vader's lightsaber cut through Ben's like that?"

"Zoda let's go!" shouted Han snapping the Jedi out of his reverie.

"Coming," said Zoda running to the ship, an instant before Luke ran up the ramp as well. The ship then took off and bolted from the station.

"So what now?" asked Zoda in the cockpit.

"What do you think we should do?" asked Han.

"Drop off our two passengers on the nearest rock and bolt," said Zoda.

"What about the reward?"

"Dammit!"

Instantly an alarm began blaring.

"Wuh-oh," said Zoda as four dots headed towards them. Han pressed a couple buttons and headed for the back.

"Take out over Chewie," said Han bolting.

"Han!" shouted Zoda.

"Yeah," asked Han walking back in.

"Luke's really upset, why don't I handle this. Sit down," said Zoda. Han sat in a rear chair as Zoda gunned the engines. The Falcon did a u-turn and roared back at the fighters, cannons blazing. An instant later they were all destroyed.

"Let's get the hell out of here," said Zoda vacating the seat as Han sat on it and threw the hyperspace lever. Zoda walked in the back where he found Luke sulking with Leia.

"What happened back there?" asked Luke weakly.

"A little Imperial trouble, nothing you couldn't have handled on your own," said Zoda truthfully.

"I hope you haven't come here to gloat about outliving Ben," said Leia with a little bit of anger. Zoda flung up his hands in innocence.

"No!" he said. "I'm just as shaken by Ben's death as you are."

"Really? Why?" Luke asked angrily.

"Because Obi-Wan's pulled me out of more crises then I care to count. As long as he was around I knew we would always survive. But now that he's gone I just don't know," said Zoda.

"How long did you know him?" asked Leia.

"Years," said Zoda. "Since he first came to the Temple to become a Jedi. I always knew he would do great things and in fact he was the Jedi everyone aspired to be. Obi-Wan Kenobi was the very definition of a Jedi. Something I have tried to aspire to but failed miserably. You should be honored to have know him, I know I am."

"Yeah," said Luke nodding. "You know it's strange but I swear I heard Ben's voice telling me to run to the Falcon when we were onboard the Death Star. What does that mean?"

"Damn kid you're worse off then I thought!" said Zoda wide-eyed. "You're hearing voices in your head? Holy sithspit!"

"Knock it off. Be serious," said Leia. Zoda held up his hands.

"Fine! Maybe Adobi-Wan is trying to contact you from beyond the grave," the Jedi suggested.

"Zoda," Leia began to say.

"No," said Luke affirmatively. "No, he's right. Somehow it's the answer."

Luke left and headed for the cockpit while Zoda began searching the aft cargo compartments with R2-D2.

"What're you looking for?" asked Leia after he had disappeared for several minutes. Zoda reached behind a pair of crates and strained for a few moments before pulling out a device from behind the crates.

"Is this it?" he asked. R2 warbled an affirmative reply and headed for the garbage shoot with the device.

"What is it?" Leia demanded.

"The Imp tracking device. I'm going to flush it into hyperspace," said Zoda.

"No!" said Leia fiercely. "I mean, we should keep it onboard."

"Are you nuts?" asked Zoda. "Maybe that Imperial torture really did affect your mind. You've been brainwashed Queeny."

:"No I haven't been brainwashed," said Leia. "If the Death Star tracks us to Yavin IV and we find a weakness then we can blow it up there."

"Do you really want to take that chance? Even if you do blow it up the Imps will know where your base is," said Zoda.

"Believe me I'm willing to take that chance," said Leia.

"Then you are nuts," said Zoda. "I'm blowing it."

"Who is paying you the reward money? If you blow it then you can forget your share," said Leia. Zoda eyed her and then the device.

"What's to say I won't blow you and this out the airlock," said Zoda.

"Because you're a Jedi and you still have a code of ethics. Besides, I really don't think you want both the Imps and the Rebels on your back," said Leia.

"Fine," said Zoda tossing her the device. "But it's on your head."

Zoda headed for the bridge and emerged just as Han said: "I don't know do you think a princess and a guy like me."

"No," said Luke quickly.

"No what?" asked Zoda taking a seat.

"I don't believe Han and Leia have a chance at a relationship," said Luke smugly.

"Oh and like you do?" Zoda asked.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Luke.

"Dude she's your sister," said Zoda.

"What?" Luke shouted. Instantly Zoda's hands covered his mouth.

"Oops you weren't supposed to know that yet!" he said before thinking. "_Oh hell Obi-Wan's gone, might as well spill everything then._"

"You think that's bad?" Zoda continued. "Darth Vader's your father!"

Luke emitted a girly scream as Han was rolling in laughter.

"And you think that's bad, your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries," said Zoda as Luke fainted dead away as Han began wiping away tears.

"That was priceless man, absolutely priceless. His expression was unbelievable," said Han.

"Sadly it's all true," said Zoda meaning every word of it.

"Damn. So what're you going to do with Luke now that you've irreversibly warped his psyche?" asked Han.

"I'm going to have to erase that part of his memories," said Zoda.

"What about me?" asked Han.

"What about you?"

"Well I know and you have to admit that knowing they're related could be both a blessing and a curse. It'd be hilarious for small romantic talk between the two, but would be an absolute nightmare if things got serious between the two. Is Luke ever going to find out the truth?" asked Han.

"Lord I hope so," said the Jedi. "For all our sakes."

Zoda altered Luke's memories and then Han's. Luke woke up and walked off in a daze not knowing at all what had transpired just moments before. As he left, Leia entered into the cockpit.

"Hiya Queeny," said Zoda.

"Why do you call me that?" Leia said.

"Meh. Because you're royalty and I knew someone who looked like you whom I also called Queeny," said Zoda.

"Yes well stop it," said Leia.

"I dunno. I kinda like it," said Han with a grin. Leia glared at him.

"Hey I'm the one who rescued you," said the smuggler.

"I'm just grateful R2's memory is still intact," said Leia.

"Why?" asked Zoda.

"Yeah. What's so important? What's he carrying?" Han asked.

"The technical readouts to that battlestation," said Leia.

"Oh is that all," said Zoda clearly not impressed.

"Is that all?" Leia said incredulously. "What do you mean by that?"

"I bought the plans off Ebay last month," said the Jedi. "For 200,000 creds. There's really nothing worth noting in terms of weaknesses except for an unshielded thermal exhaust port leading to the core. It's ray shielded of course but not particle shielded. Should be easy to find, even for those droids at your base."

"I don't believe this," said Leia holding her head.

"I'm a technology connoisseur and I like to blow stuff up. Demolition is my mission so I find any weakness I can in technology and try to exploit it for fun," said Zoda. "Course then I accidentally blasted a large hole in the base of the Jedi Temple and they weren't too happy about that. 75 years of exile they gave me. All in all good times."

A console beeped before the conversation could take yet another abrupt and unexpected turn for the worse.

"Looks like we're approaching Yavin IV. Everybody hang on," said Han as the ship plowed ahead towards the moon.


	4. Zoda vs the Death Star

Space beyond Yavin IV: The Falcon roared towards the massive gas giant and the moon beyond.

"If Kenobi was here he'd probably say something like 'that's no gas giant, that's Jupiter' or something like that," Zoda laughed.

"Where's Jupiter?" asked Han. "I've never heard of it before, is it in the Empire?"

"No, no," said Zoda. "It's not like being three parsecs outside the Rishi Maze or something like that, it's actually in a completely different galaxy believe it or not. A bizarre sequence of events led to me crash landing there in the future and meeting two bizarre people named Jay and Silent Bob. I'll never forget the adventure we had at any rate."

The ship roared towards the moon and entered into the atmosphere.

"Wait, this is Yavin IV. _The_ Yavin IV?" Zoda asked. "With the massassi temples and all?"

"Yes, why?" asked Leia.

"They say they're impervious to anything. I wonder if that includes Death Stars?" Zoda said. "Somehow I don't think the insurance policy covers planet destroying weapons."

The Falcon roared to the temple and set down just outside of it.

"Nice digs. Course I'm disappointed you didn't contact me for your latest rebel accommodations," said Zoda.

"Why would we? We found out about your secret comm. system," said Leia.

"Now who would've installed that? I swear whoever did it will be punished," said Zoda innocently. Leia shook her head as they entered into the temple.

"Wow! What a beauty!" Zoda said suddenly. Leia looked at him slightly disgusted thinking he was talking about her until Zoda rushed past and hugged the landing leg of the Incom T-65 X-Wing.

"I new you weren't a dream," said Zoda. Instantly a warbling broke his affections off. "Oh no."

Behind the X-Wing as a Delta-7 starfighter and one certain R-4 attached to it.

"What the heck is that thing doing here?" asked Han.

"It arrived this morning, we don't know why," said Jan Dodonna.

"Depot got away!" said Zoda. The R-4 gave him a raspberry.

"Oh so I take it this is yours," said Dodonna.

"He's not mine!" said Yoda. "He just turns up wherever I do and makes my life miserable."

"What has that innocent little droid ever done to you?" asked Leia.

"He's abandoned me on planets, taken me for insane joyrides, racked up millions of credits in parking violations, and he's…oh no," said Zoda. He promptly bolted out of the hanger as the Jedi Starfighter chased after him cannons blazing.

"Well he'll be awhile," said Leia. "Lets get some work done."

As the group walked into the deeper areas of the temple, a large explosion went off outside flinging a pair of huge trees sky high.

"What is going on out there?" asked Wedge Antilles.

"Better that we don't know," said Red Leader. "Believe me, battles between Jedi and droids can be legendary."

Two more explosions went off as Wedge and Red Leader turned away from the carnage outside.

Later: "There it is," said Dodonna. He and the technicians were looking at the schematics of the Death Star as they were being pulled from R2.

"That's a lot of data," said one of the techies astonished. A cloud of smoke drifted into the room as a heavily scorched Zoda entered into the room.

"Solved things with your droid have you?" asked Dodonna laughing. Zoda cracked his knuckles.

"Yeah we came to an understanding," said the Jedi. He then pulled out a heavily damaged lightsaber and chucked it into a nearby garbage bin.

"Is that the schematic?" asked Zoda.

"Yes," said Dodonna.

"That's not the Death Star," said the Jedi simply.

"What do you mean that's not the Death Star?" Dodonna demanded.

"The Death Star doesn't have its dish in the center of it like that," said Zoda pointing to it. "The dish is farther up. See those intials CS? You've been the victims of an elaborate hoax, those are the plans for Centerpoint Station."

"He's right," said one of the technicians. "Dammit! Now what do we do? That thing is going to be here in less than three hours."

"Don't despair," said Zoda holding up a disk. "I happen to have the Death Star plans that I acquired through my own contacts. However, this information doesn't come cheap it does have a price."

"What is it?" asked Dodonna.

"You let me use my Jedi Starfighter in battle against that thing. You don't ask questions and you don't bother me. I'll watch my back and you watch yours. Now granted I'll try and help out your pilots and they can try and help me out but other than that I'm to be left on my own," said Zoda.

"Agreed," said Dodonna. Zoda handed him the disc and prepared to leave.

"Oh by the way, the weakness is a thermal exhaust port located at the end of a trench on the northern hemisphere. It is ray shielded but not particle shielded," said the Jedi before leaving.

Later: Zoda was sitting on top of a crate of creds while Han was loading them onto a dolly.

"Money, money, money," said Zoda. "So I guess you got well more out of this trip then you bargained for."

"Yeah," Han agreed. "Now I can _really_ pay off Jabba the Hutt."

"That's true. But I guess the real question would be what're you going to do after that. You could easily retire to your own moon or who knows where," said Zoda. "But the question is, do you want to?"

Luke approached the two of them. "So I guess that's it. You've got your money and now you're leaving?"

"Yeah. I've got some debts I've gotta pay off with this stuff," said Han. "Listen, why don't you come with us? From what little I've seen of you in action you seem good in a fight. We could use you."

"Are you kidding? With what you'd pay people? Forget it kid you're better off where you are," said Zoda.

"Yeah. Listen, you've seen what these people are doing and what they're capable of. They could use a good pilot like you and you're turning your back on them," said Luke angrily.

"What good's a reward if you ain't around to use it?" Han asked.

"True dat," agreed Zoda.

"Besides, attacking that battlestation is suicide," said Han loading another crate of creds.

"Yeah. But what a rush it will be," said Zoda.

"Take care of yourself Han. I guess that's what you're best at isn't it?" asked Luke leaving.

"Hey if it ain't broke don't fix it," said Zoda shrugging.

"Hey Luke," said Han. "May the Force be with you."

Luke nodded and walked off.

"Oy," said Zoda shaking his head. Chewbacca grumbled an agreement. "I hate that cliché."

"Be quiet, I know what I'm doing," said Han.

"So did Bubba Zanetti before Max Rockatansky shot him off his bike," said Zoda. "Well good luck Han, I trust you'll keep in touch."

"Yeah I will," said Han. "Hey wait!"

Zoda stopped walking as Han tossed him back his credit chit.

"Thanks," said Zoda leaving. As he passed Dodonna he tossed the chit to him.

"I hope this is for your spying devices," Dodonna called after him.

"For the last time that wasn't me!" shouted Zoda. An instant later the X-Wings, Y-Wings, and one Jedi Starfighter roared off towards the Death Star.

"All wings report in," said Red Leader.

"So long chumps!" said Zoda over the radio as his fighter rocketed off well ahead of the squadrons towards the station. "See you after the fireworks!"

"See you at your own funeral," said Luke laughing. The other members of the unit chuckled as well.

"Alright cut the chatter, continue on course," said Red Leader. The Delta-7 then proceeded to the surface of the battlestation while dozens of turrets blazed death at it. The Delta-7 quickly returned the favor and began destroying cannons left and right.

"Where's the trench at?" Zoda asked. Depot warbled something.

"What do you mean you don't know?" Zoda demanded. Depot bleeped at him.

"I'm not sure of the _specific_ trench. And no I didn't go to the meeting, I thought you did!" said the Jedi. Depot echoed a 'no' at him.

"Great!" said Zoda annoyed. "Just great. Now how many trenches are on this thing?"

Depot told him.

"Oh hell," said Zoda. "Alright until those idiots show up we search 'em all. At least I do know it's in the northern hemisphere, that should help at any rate," said the Jedi. The fighter rocketed off as the X-Wings and Y-Wings descended towards the surface.

DS Control Room: "Sir, this is most curious. According to our reports, while there are X-Wings and Y-Wings out there, we're also detecting one Delta-7," said Motti.

"A what?" Tarkin asked incredulously.

"That's what it is. And there's no doubt that it's piloted by a Jedi," said Motti.

"How is this possible Lord Vader?" Tarkin demanded.

"It's Zoda," said Vader.

"Oh no," said Tagge worried. "Not that psycho!"

"How do you know?" asked Tarkin.

"His voice was uncovered as impersonating TK-421 in the detention center. It was only then that we realized he'd freed the princess," said Vader.

"Maybe it wasn't a total loss," Tagge mused. "Maybe he drove them to bankruptcy over the reward for saving Princess Leia."

"Still though, he could destroy us," said Vader.

"Running scared Vader?" Motti insinuated.

"The Emperor's words not mine," said Vader. "And you'd be wise to adhere by them."

With that Vader left.

"Where're you going?" asked Tarkin.

"To blast him from the sky," said Vader.

Space: "Red Leader, we're picking up a new group of signals. Enemy fighters coming your way," a voice said over the comm.

"My scopes negative," said Luke. "I don't-"

"You're eyes can deceive you don't trust them dummy," said Zoda pairing up with Luke. "The Force is your only hope now."

"How? I can concentrate," said Luke moving his fighter from side to side.

"Don't concentrate! Think, feel, use your instincts," said Zoda.

"Who said that?" asked Luke laughing.

"Some idiot who got himself killed," said Zoda. "But it works, believe me."

As if to prove the point Zoda's fighter raced towards the surface and went right through a row of turrets that blasted each other trying to hit him.

"Red Leader this is Gold Leader, we're heading for the trench now," said Gold Leader.

"Quick Depot where are they?" asked Zoda. Depot chuckled.

"What do you mean you won't tell me?"

Depot bleeped at him.

"We'll get ourselves killed? Why you ungrateful b-," began Zoda when he felt a disturbance in the Force.

"Zoda look out!" yelled Luke. Zoda slammed on the brakes as the Tie Advanced x1 roared by overhead.

"Nice flying DV," said Zoda rocketing after him.

"I am a far better pilot than you!" said Darth Vader.

"Maybe, but you'll have no time to prove it," said Zoda. "You have a choice, try and kill me and loose the Death Star. Or save the Death Star and loose your chance to kill me. What's it going to be…Annie?"

A growl emitted from the comm. system as Vader's fighter peeled off towards the trench. Zoda attempted to move his stick to follow, but found it wouldn't budge.

"What the?" asked Zoda before realizing what was happening. "Depot!"

The droid flew the ship away from the trench as the Y-Wings were beginning to be ripped apart by Vader.

"You'll pay for this!" shouted Zoda. The stick then came loose and Zoda grabbed and began making a maneuver towards the trench, but again it grew stiff and wouldn't let him go anywhere near it. Depot beeped something at him.

"We're not gonna die!" shouted the Jedi. Depot bleeped again at him.

"Fine I won't go near the trench. But you have to promise me that if we're among the last four starfighters and the remaining three make a run for it we go in too," said Zoda. Depot warbled an agreement.

"Good. Now let's take out some Ties," said Zoda performing a barrel roll in his fighter. The Delta-7 began firing and taking out Ties left and right.

"Zoda," said Obi-Wan's voice suddenly.

"Aahhh!" shouted Zoda as he lost control of the stick and the fighter and it plummeted towards the surface. Depot quickly gained control of the craft and it avoided colliding with the station.

"A ghost!" shouted Zoda as Obi-Wan's form appeared in front of the craft as it came to a screeching halt.

"I'm not a ghost you idiot!" said Obi-Wan.

"I dunno, you're looking kinda pale there. And why can I see through you? And how are you breathing in space? And how?" began Zoda beginning to hyperventilate.

"Alright I'm a ghost!" Obi-Wan lied. Zoda breathed a collective sigh of relief.

"Oh good," he said calm. "What do you want? I'm busy here in case you didn't notice."

"I know that. But we really need to talk," said Obi-Wan.

"Really? About what?" asked Zoda.

"Luke,"

"Yeah. What a loser," said Zoda.

"Look I-. Wait! That's now what we're going to talk about!" said Obi-Wan.

"We're not? Then what the hell are you doing here then?" asked Zoda.

"We're going in full throttle, that outta keep those Ties off our backs," said Luke.

"Oh no! I'm missing the run!" shouted Zoda.

"You can't join them!" said Obi-Wan.

"Why not? It's not like I'm going to die!" said Zoda.

"No. But on the other hand I can't have you teaching Luke anything else regarding the Force," said Ben.

"Why not?" asked Zoda. "From what I can tell he could use some good advice."

"Yes, but not from you. You could lead him to the dark side," said Obi-Wan.

"And you couldn't?"

"You're right I could. But Yoda's teaching wouldn't," said Obi-Wan.

"What about Dook," began Zoda.

"Forget about him! I'll give you a choice, leave now or I'll make your life a living hell," said Obi-Wan.

"And how's that any different from now?"

"I'll tell Yoda where you're hiding out,"

"You wouldn't dare!"

"Yes I would. And I bet he'd make your life more of a living hell then I could," said Obi-Wan.

"You're taking the chance that Yoda would want to have anything to do with me," said Zoda.

"And you're taking the chance that he won't," Obi-Wan reminded him.

"Dammit!"

"Now you have a choice. I leave it in your capable hands," said Obi-Wan. And with that Obi-Wan's image vanished only to be replaced by a Tie Fighter roaring in with lasers firing.

The trench: Luke fired his torpedoes without need of his targeting computer. They entered into the exhaust port and raced towards the core.

Elsewhere on the Death Star: TK-421 and TK-427, back in their armor, were in Grand Moff Tarkin's escape pod.

"I can't believe Zoda did this to us," said TK-427.

"What did you expect? I told you cheating him out of his money was going to come back and haunt you. Now look at our newest assignment, making sure all the escape pods on the Death Star are in perfect working condition. That'll take forever!" said TK-421. "When are we supposed to be done."

"It doesn't say," said TK-427 looking over the notes.

"Sweet!" said TK-421. "Guess nobody needs anything done today then."

"Agreed, let's relax," said TK-427. He tossed the clipboard aside and it conveniently hit the eject button. The pod raced out into open space.

"Whoops," said TK-427. The pod raced farther and farther away from the Death Star before the giant battlestation exploded.

"What did you do?" demanded TK-421.

"I didn't do anything!" exclaimed TK-427.

"Maybe the pod triggered a self-destruct mechanism on the station," said TK-421.

"Uh oh. The Emperor will have our hides for this," said TK-427.

"Agreed, let's hide," said TK-421. "We both know an Imperial Garrison commander who will hide us. He owes us a favor."

"Setting coordinates," said TK-427. The pod vanished into hyperspace.

The remains of the Rebel Alliance squadrons and the Falcon roared away from the Death Star.

"Great shot kid, I don't even think Zoda could've made that one," said Han.

"Speaking of which, where is he?" asked Luke. The scanners revealed no trace of the Delta-7 anywhere.

"I guess that explains it," said Wedge.

"What?" Keyan Farlander asked from his Y-Wing. "What explains it?"

"When I had to abandon the trench I saw an explosion go off and a Tie Fighter streak by. At the time I was confused because there weren't any fighters left to be destroyed. I guess now I know who was destroyed," said Wedge.

"Well, he died to protect the alliance," said Luke.

"Yeah, who would've known he had a decent bone in his body," said Han. "Let's get back, I can hear a ceremony already awaiting us. So long Zoda, may you find the peace in death that you couldn't find in life."

"Dammit!"

The Delta-7 roared through the blue of hyperspace, attached to its' hyperspace ring.

"Obi-Wan is going to pay for this I swear," said Zoda angrily. Zoda was going to continue ranting when the collision alarms began blaring. An escape pod roared straight at him and Zoda barely managed to avoid it.

"Watch where you're flying buddy," said Zoda over the comm.

"Zoda? Is that you?" asked TK-421.

"Not you two!" shouted Zoda. "I thought you died with that infernal contraption!"

"Heh, heh, heh," they both laughed. "No such luck! You can't get rid of us!"

"That's what you think!" shouted Zoda as he roared his fighter around and chased the pod through hyperspace.

"Aaaah!" shouted the two clones as the Delta-7 opened fire.

The End


End file.
